my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
