Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
