My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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