one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
