Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
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