I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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