The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Randomize
