Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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