You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
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he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
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The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
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