what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Randomize
