Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
i can't believe i had my finger in that
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
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