I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
