so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Naked Twister starts at high noon
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
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