I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
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