nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
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