i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
I just googled if crying burns calories
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
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