my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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