I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Randomize
