I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
Even the bartender felt bad for me
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Randomize
