you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
If I die, sorry about rent.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
Randomize
