and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
