The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Randomize
