You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
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