It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
