Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
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