____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
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