the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
