i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
