just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
