god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Randomize
