I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Randomize
