i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Randomize
