I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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