dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
