theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
my vag is so smooth its legendary
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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