do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Randomize
