what if every blade of grass was a penis?
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Randomize
