I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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