He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
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