TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
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