it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Randomize
