my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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