i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Congratulations! We have a period
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
