Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Randomize
