Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
