I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
