bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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