you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
