I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
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