my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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