Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Randomize
