so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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