I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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