my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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