NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
