if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I wish they made helmets for livers.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
whose parrot is this?
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Randomize
