All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Randomize
