Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
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