my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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