he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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