So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
